1. Unrealistic or magical expectations
Even before having met your partner, you are already imagining how your relationship will be.
You think that intimacy with your partner will make you and your life better without even having to do anything or think in a different way. You believe that your commitment to this person will make you a better person without you having anything to do about it.
2. Instant gratification
A relationship with an intense sexual life is the only relationship possible. With gratification, I expect my partner to give me immediate, instant, and continuous gratification whenever I want. I love you, help me “reach orgasm” on request.
We believe that our relationship will be destroyed if either of us knows all the truth about each other. “I can’t be honest otherwise my relationship will be a failure”
Control comes into play because we want the relationship to continue. We are obsessed with the relationship whereas it would be more appropriate to think about something else. The compulsion becomes overwhelming.
You are trying to control the situation and this creates trust issues as, remember, there are two of you trying to control. “I can’t let you know who I am or what I want because you would leave me, and vice versa. So I will get you to do what I want without you knowing. I’m expecting you to read my mind, and if you aren’t able to I will be frustrated and manipulate you”.
5. Compulsive control
I’m with a person that I need to change! In this relationship I can’t be myself as I’m focusing on the other one, that I need to change, I need to make him/her be how I want him/her to be.
6. Social isolation
In a dysfunctional relationship, we isolate ourselves: it’s you and your partner against the rest of the world. The healthy relationship is socially integrated: you keep your friends and you keep on seeing them.
7. The suffering cycle
In this cycle, you’ll find intense pleasure, intense pain, disappointments, blaming your partner for everything that’s happening, desperate attempts to improve the relationship, and the cycle repeats and repeats continuously.
You need to define, with realistic expectations, what a healthy relationship is or what it should be, and what you should get out of it. This requires a lot of communication, you need to define what is realistic and rational.
You must choose the right partner. If you are a couple, you need to question whether your partner is willing to make efforts to improve your relationship.
You learn to talk about what you need and what you want out of your relationship.
It’s important to tell your partner how you see him/her, what you think about him/her, what he/she means to you, and how you feel about him/her. Without this communication, your relationship will not last.